How to be managed

Part of being a good manager is figuring out how to be managed. This is not exactly the same as managing up, although it is related. Developing a sense of ownership and authority for your own experiences at work, and not relying on your manager to set the entire tone for your relationship, is an important step in owning your career and workplace happiness.

Spend time thinking about what you want

Your manager can point out opportunities for growth. She can show you projects. She can provide feedback on your areas of learning and development. But she cannot read your mind, and she cannot tell you what will make you happy. Whether you are brand new to the workplace or 20 years into your career, the onus of figuring out what you want to do, what you want to learn, and what will make you happy rests on your shoulders.

As you go through various stages of your career, you'll start to realize how much uncertainty there is in the world. It’s a pretty universal truth that once you get the job you thought you wanted, the enjoyment eventually fades and you find yourself looking for something else. You think you want to work for that cool startup, and you get there only to find it's a mess. You think you want to be a manager, only to discover that the job is hard and not rewarding in the ways you expected.

In all of this uncertainty, the only person you can rely on to pull through it is yourself. Your manager cannot do that for you. Use your manager to discover what's possible where you are, but look to understand yourself in order to figure out where you want to go next.

You are responsible for yourself

Knowing yourself is step one. Step two is going after what you want.

Bring agendas to your 1-1s when you have things you need to talk about. When you want to work on projects, ask. Advocate for yourself. When your manager isn't helpful, look for other places to get help. Seek out feedback, including constructive feedback on areas to improve. When that feedback comes to you, take it graciously, even when you don't agree with it.

When you are persistently unhappy, say something. When you are stuck, ask for help. When you want a raise, ask for it. When you want a promotion, find out what you need to do to get it. Your manager cannot force work–life balance on you. If you want to go home, figure out how to get your work done and go home. Sometimes you will have to go against the cultural grain to set your own boundaries, and that will feel uncomfortable. On the flip side, sometimes if you want a bigger job, you will have to work more hours to get it.

You will not get everything you ask for, and asking is not usually a fun or comfortable experience. However, it's the fastest way forward. If your manager is conscientious, he'll appreciate your candor. He may not be conscientious, or he may like you less for asking, and then you'll know that about your current situation. I can't guarantee you that it'll go well, but if you've set a goal for yourself, you owe it to yourself to do what you can to make it happen.

Give your manager a break

This is a job. Your manager will be stressed out sometimes. She'll be imperfect. She will say dumb things, or do things that feel unfair or harmful to you. She'll give you work that you don't want to do, and get annoyed when you complain about doing it. Her job is to do the best thing for the company and the team. It is not to do whatever it takes to make you happy all the time.

Your relationship with your manager is like any other close interpersonal relationship. The only person you can change is yourself. You should absolutely provide feedback to your manager, but understand that she may not listen or change no matter how much you think she should. If you find yourself starting to actively resent your manager for whatever reason, you probably need to move to a different team or look for a new job. If you find yourself resenting every manager you work for, you may need to think about whether the cause is them or you. Perhaps you'd be happier in a job where you don't have a manager.

Especially as you become more senior, remember that your manager expects you to bring solutions, not problems. Try not to make every 1-1 about how you need something, how something is wrong, or how you want something more. When you have a problem, instead of demanding that your manager solve it for you, try asking her for advice on how she might approach the problem. Asking for advice is always a good way to show respect and trust.

Choose your managers wisely

Your manager can make a huge difference in your career. So, as much as you can, consider not only the job, the company, and the pay, but also the manager when you are evaluating job opportunities.

Strong managers know how to play the game at their company. They can get you promoted; they can get you attention and feedback from important people. Strong managers have strong networks, and they can get you jobs even after you stop working for them.

There's a difference between a strong manager and a manager that you like as a friend, or even one you respect as an engineer. Plenty of great engineers make ineffective managers because they don't know or want to deal with the politics of leadership in their companies. A strong engineer may make a great mentor-manager to someone early in his career, but a terrible advocate-manager for someone who is more senior.

Camille Fournier, "Management 101", in The Manager's Path: A Guide for Tech Leaders Navigating Growth and Change, chapter 1.